A New Journey Begins..

My name is Nik Berthelette, and i'm Thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail March 20, 2019.

I want to start this off by stating that this is going to be a very raw, very unedited blog. While I sit here in my kitchen sipping on my cappuccino, I know that in 34 days things will be VERY different. I will be huddled in my tent writing my days journey on my phone after hiking miles on end. There will be happiness, sadness, pain, grammatical errors, accomplishments, injuries and much more. Nothing will be left out, this is my journey.

As the clock ticks, my thoughts run rampart in my mind. Why am I hiking this? what if i can't do it? Bears, Sasquatch, aliens.. Every person that decides to hike the trail has their very own, very personal reason. For me, it starts back when I was a child. I can go into detail about how my parents divorced when I was young, that I "lived" between several houses and always seemed to move. Things that most people can attest to, but this isn't about that. My very first reason for hiking this is the way people treated me throughout my life.

For most of my life I've struggled with anxiety and depression. I was always "not good enough", demeaned and put down for my failures. Eventually my brain told me that yes, I WASN'T good enough. I couldn't drive that tractor we had, I sucked at backing up a trailer, I always didn't do something right. I was far from popular in school, I only really hung out with a few people that talked to me. Kids would pick on me for whatever stupid fucking reasons and I was taught by society that people do indeed, suck ass. And so I grew up with social anxiety and depression, never telling people how I truly felt. My life was filled with people, friends and fun.. But I was always so lonely.

A huge part of why I've decided to hike this is to shove it in all of those people's faces. A big 'ol "yeah, let's see you fucking do this.. bitch." But also to convince my shitty self esteem that I AM good enough, that I CAN do anything I put my mind and body to. They say 1 in 4 people who hike this trail make it to Mt Katahdin, I will be that 1. Watch me.... No really, go watch me on my YouTube channel. :)

So time passed, I get out of prison ( high school ) and do random life shit like everyone else. I tried college, Nope. I worked like 273 jobs, drove a basic bitch car and just lived my life. It was in 2014 after finally overcoming my depression and other shit, that my life really fell apart. A late night phone call from my step sister M up in Maine get's me on the 5 hour drive to Bangor hospital. Unbeknownst to me what was about to unfold, I walk in the hospital with my other sister H talking and laughing. I knew something wasn't right when my dad met us at the door to the room. My 14 year old brother was dead from an unexpected brain aneurysm.

Have you ever been through something so traumatic, life kind of just ceases to exist for a moment? Your mind just exits your body and thinks "Is this really happening?" before it all quickly comes back to you and you're flooded with overwhelming emotions. That my friends, is where my journey to rock bottom began. It took almost a year for me to begin not "grieving" so much, I was able to think and function again. I started working a new job to keep busy and get my life back on track, again.

Just kidding.

Three days on the job and my "attempt" at climbing the rock bottom ladder was denied by life. I get rear ended by a Mac truck going 55-mph. Knocked off my ladder only to fall flat on my back, left gasping for air.. Literally. Injured and broken, I lost most of my physical endurance. Constant back pain, my all time lowest stamina, post concussive migraines.. I want to find that health again, I know I can.

Why is any of that important? people go through shit all the time.

It's because I wasn't able to properly heal from the loss of my brother before getting another low blow, I was kicked while I was down. Now it wasn't all bad, there were all kinds of good things that happened during that lost time. But I never felt like I was truly "living".

Losing one of my brothers left a massive hole in me, one that I've desperately tried to fill. Out of that hole poured all of my deepest kept demons and emotions, it was officially time to panic. I lost myself for a long time, waking up every day was a monumental task. I couldn't handle this forever.

Alright, alright; cut to the chase.

A huge reason for me doing this hike is to come face to face with ALL of those things. I needed to find my path to heal and quickly.

You can't stop drowning if you're still in the water.

Hey, here's something more positive! ( I think? )

I've known several people who wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail but they never did, and now they can't. I refuse to play the game of family repetition, living my life in a shell. I'm not afraid, my stars are aligned and I can do this. I wan't to do this for them. When I finish the trail a part of them will have as well, and that makes Nik happy.

Don't think for a second that i'm not scared out of my mind. I have my reasons for hiking, but I also have my fears.

This journey will be perilous and the mental challenges are immense. I will have no choice but to face my innermost demons head on, and that terrifies the shit out of me. These are things that have been harboring within me for decades. Courage: Strength in the face of pain or grief.

Let's not miss the real fears of the forest. Mother fucking Sasquatch. Enough said.

There is also the fear of injury. If anything is going to stop me, it will be this. I've always been able to overcome mental adversity, but getting so hurt you can't walk. That just takes time, time I won't have. And of course, just simply fear of the unknown. Me and Sasquatch aren't the only ones hiking that trail, there will be many unknown challenges. Ones I'll face head on.

If you've read this far, Congratulations. You're on your first steps to understanding me! Here's a gold star for all your hard work.

Please be sure to follow me on Instagram, YouTube and of course here!

My blog post will be updated weekly on Fridays, YouTube videos also once a week, and Instagram as much as I can. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this shit, It means more than you know.

Nature Nik