Have you seen my Confidence?...

Sorry for the late post!

Somewhere along my path in life, it appears I've lost my confidence — Have you seen it?

First off, what IS confidence?

con·fi·dence (When applied to ones self)

- a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

"Nik's not brimming with confidence" (Google Dictionary 2019)

You would think someone ready to hike a 5+ month, 2,200 mile trail would be chock-full of this shit, right? No, not the case for ol' Nik-a-roo. I know I have many talents that most people gasp over when they see them, but for some strange reason I always doubt myself. There's plenty of confidence in me, but add "people" into the mix and I shut right down. I could be doing something that I know damn well i'm great at, but someone could come into the picture and I look like a lost, blind puppy with no legs. My brain goes into instant shut down mode; "Quick!! pretend like you've got no idea what you're doing!" It's only until recently I've started to really notice this, and it's not okay. I've put careful thought and examination into it and I may have finally figured it out.

"Stick and stones may break my bones, but words can cause long term psychological trauma"

Let's not get into too much detail though. The moral of the story is that the way you communicate and react with people can have very significant long term effects, especially if you're a jerk to them. This is one of my goals in life... To treat people with dignity and respect.

Anyways, let's carry on shall we? As I sit here and write this post, I have 21 days until I leave for the trail. I've found some of my confidence, but much of it is still missing. It's easy to write about things behind a keyboard and screen, expressing my deepest feelings to people I may not even know. But I also planned (and promised) to do videos as well, have you noticed many? I'll get there, I swear! I've been working on getting some footage and stuff going. I've slowly been breaking a comfort zone for myself and it's proven to be difficult, but not impossible. I've reached out to friends, posted pictures of myself, shared my extremely overweight backpack and even some of my inner most feelings. I've been doing this mostly alone and with the help of a few others, slowly teaching myself that it's totally okay to be ME. Could you imagine if I had the support of dozens or hundreds of people driving me forward? Imagine the effect it would have on my self-esteem and confidence. What the world needs more of, is Kindness.

Writing this blog has been pretty difficult for me, despite the "you have such natural talent for writing" that people have been saying. Now this of course has made me really focus on my writing style, which i'm pretty sure I'm just going to partly ignore for now. As I write on my laptop I realize that as soon as I get on the trail, I'll be on my phone screen. Oh boy.

So, let's get into some more positive things, I think...

bRo, dO yoU evEn ulTraligHt GeAr?!

Alright, let's discuss this extremely controversial "Ultralight" expectation for the current status of backpacking and thru-hiking. Everyone is entitled to their own style of hiking and that's totally okay. However we all can't afford to buy $600 tents that weight -0.5oz and are made of space grade carbon titanium silk or whatever the heck it is. But hey, good for you. I remember how excited I was when I first started getting my gear, brand names I had always dreamed of but never wanted to pay for. I always "budget camped", very carefully paying as little as possible for the best gear I could. I built up an entire set (or two) of camping gear, but I knew that while I had a ton of gear, none of it was truly suitable for this hike. So I started doing research on top of research, looking up every pro and con right down to my socks. I was pretty excited in my choices of gear and right away could tell the difference in quality. I have a lifelong list of experience outdoors, but only scratching the surface of the equipment world.

Just like most of us crazy Thru-hikers, I made a Lighterpack account and began adding all of my gear. As more of my list came to life, I started getting this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and confidence. My hike was taking form, I could physically see progress and it felt great! Sadly, it was only temporary and quickly dissolved by none other than some of my fellow hikers. I had comments on how my pack was garbage and weighed too much and to buy a new one. That I didn't need a gps, a tiny 2oz soap, a knife and especially a camera. For weeks I contemplated my abilities and my choice in gear. I debated canceling my hike in fear that I just wasn't ready. It was one random day on Instagram that I had received a message from an unknown account. It was an old friend from middle school who had successfully thru-hiked the Appalachian Trail in 2015.

(Go check out @Hikerfeed on Instagram or www.hikerfeed.com for some great content!)

Not only was this a breath of fresh air to know someone personally who had hiked the trail, but he told me his starting pack weight—NEARLY FIFTY POUNDS. My eyes widened upon rereading the message I had received. Here I was, coming in strong at 28 lbs with my camera gear. Just like that I had realized that this was truly my hike, and what I choose to bring affects only me. Sure my backpack weights a bit on the heavy side at 4 lbs, but it shines in comfort (especially with my shitty back). So as a message to all inspired hikers... Find the gear that works best for you. If you want to bring your favorite knife, bring it — NO ONE is carrying your gear except for you. Obviously you want to be smart about it and weigh pro's and con's, which is why I chose to use Lighterpack. If you're a first timer like me, it really does help to visually see and compare your gear. My pack is mine, and I'm proud of what I put together.

Who knew how attached you could get to a backpack.

So last week, my grandmother brought over this massive book on the Appalachian Trail. It was a mix of trail history and filled with photos. Being a photographer I knew I HAD to bring some sort of camera. I figured my new Galaxy S9+ would be a great option being a phone and having a nice camera in it. However, I knew that I would never get the image quality I wanted. It took a lot of convincing myself, but I decided to bring my DSLR. I knew my current lenses wouldn't cut it, being designed for everything but lightweight travel and versatility — So I had to get a new one :)

I always have extra lenses, filters, batteries, etc, but knowing I could only bring a very select few things was a challenge. (Check out Lighterpack for more info on camera stuff).

Sorry Samsung, Let the big guns do the real photos.

Now there's more to the story than just getting some cool pictures. After flipping the first few pages of that book I knew what I wanted to do after my hike. A blog post and Instagram wasn't enough, I needed to truly document my entire journey; I was going to write a book. Oh yay.. do you remember what I talked about in the beginning of this blog? That's right, my lack of confidence and trying to break out of my comfort zone. What a worse way to do that than write a book. I'm not an author, I don't think i'm great at writing, and i'm certainly not the best at punctuation and grammar. But that's exactly it, i'm scared. I've learned that the scariest things in life often yield the best results, and this is terrifying. I'm sure i'll go into more detail about this at a later date, but for now that's all you get.

I'm going to end this blog post by giving you some homework. Do a random act of kindness that you normally wouldn't do. Help that old lady get her groceries in her car and put the shopping cart away. The person behind you at the dunkin' drive through, pay for their coffee. When you find the moment to do something right, do it. You have no idea how that one simple act can actually change a persons entire day and demeanor.